Sep 29, 2008

Saints and Sinners

I think when I first became a follower of Jesus I thought my troubles were over the day I got 'saved'. I thought that now that I was right with God, everything in my life would start lining up - God had gotten my attention, and now He wanted to bless me. I figured I was also done with my living in disobedience, i.e. sinning. I couldn't wait to move into my new life as one of God's chosen.

I thought that life was about the 'in and out' of God's grace. I thought that if I decided to do things God's way, then I was officially 'in', and those who didn't know Jesus were officially 'out'. I knew that I had arrived and my struggles were over. I had been a sinner. Now I was one of the saints.

It has been a few years since that deciding day in 1982. The world doesn't look so black and white anymore. I realize, having walked a few miles with the Lord that the awful/wonderful truth is that I am and always will be both saint and sinner. There will always be a part of me that wants to do things my own way, regardless of what my Daddy wants. There is a part of me that hates and gets really angry sometimes, and at the silliest things. That part of me judges the stupid things (and people) in life as if I were the only one without sin (and never stupid). It has been interesting to note in my recent observations that I am particularly judgmental and angry toward people who are judgmental and angry.

If that were the whole picture, I could shove myself in a box labeled "Still needs lots and lots of work". But it isn't the whole picture. There is another part of me that is hugely giving, sacrificing, and generous. It is the other side of my spiritual "split-ness". It is the self that I know is forgiven and that lives in Christ's love with a deep sense of trust that doesn't come from within me, but from the Spirit of God who also dwells there. The saint in me lives as if he is actually loved.

I have wrestled for years with this dichotomy within me. I have often wanted to see myself as saint - all together, entirely sanctified, and ready for any work Papa might call me to. And I have often felt lost in the awful truth that there were still so many areas of my life in need of redeeming. I have had to face the truth that I am both saint and sinner, that I will always be - in increasing and decreasing ways - 'in process'.

The latest profound thought to cross my mind is simply this: my Papa knows the truth about my dividedness, and He isn't waiting for me to get done with the process. He loves me in the process. He isn't trying to fix me - He is trying to get me to know I am loved, whether I am fixed or not. He loves me just as I am, warts and all, and there is no insinuation that I have to be a little more worthy of redemption tomorrow than I am today. He doesn't love me because He looks at me through the blood of Christ and sees me as other than I am. He sees me - His son, His precious friend. He doesn't love me for how I could or should be. He loves me here. He loves me now. He loves me with the saint and the sinner wrestling within me.

I think that maybe my life will always be this way. Often I hear people trying to pass off a gospel that paints a picture of the journey and struggle being done if we would just do... (insert whatever untruth you want here). I don't believe that the struggle is one to be solved but rather one to be lived in. After all, it draws us to Him. It is that very struggle with being saint and sinner that forces us to Him, into His lap, into His love and grace, and ultimately into relationship with a personal and ever-present Papa.

I don't know where you are at today as you read this. You might be sitting high on the hill of 'I got it all together - life is working well'. Or you might be dragging your feet as you trudge through another failure in a long string of failures. It really doesn't matter where you are. Go to God...whether you are on a mountain or in misery. Realize the truth - that He is there with you, whether you like it or not. You don't have to wait for Him to show up. He is already there. He might not make it better, but He will walk with you in it, deeply desiring for you to know His arm around your shoulders - both shoulders - the one labeled saint, and the one labeled sinner. Because they are both you. And it is you that He wants to know.

by Mike Ege

Comments

Jenny

Oct 11, 2008

You have a gift, Mike, of articulating your thoughts in a clear, attractive way - drawing the reader to hear you. Whether I agree or disagree with the 'theology' of what you say, thanks for being so open and vulnerable. It encourages me to be so. You sound like the apostle Paul and his dilemma, trying to work out this battle! Bless you.
Aida

Oct 09, 2008

Mike, you've made some really good points here. I understand where you’re coming from but I don’t believe we’re sinners. At our very core, we’re saints even when we sin. I don’t see our identity flipping back and forth based on our behavior. We’re saints even when we sin. The reason we sin is because in those particular areas we haven’t learned how to live as the saint that we are. I can tell that you’re growing in this message and I don’t mean for my comment to discourage you. I look forward to reading more that Father will share through you.
Chris Pack

Sep 30, 2008

Thanks for this post, Mike. I'm definitely not on the mountain top of "I got it all together." Most times I don't like what I see. But, as you've said, God knows both sinner and saint, both mountain climber and bottom dweller. Being real with Him, since He knows it anyway, and real with yourself are both key in this journey.